I made a horrible, horrible mistake and now I don’t know how to solve the issues I have to deal because of it … Last weekend (long weekend as Monday was a holiday) we went to the movies and I decided to let my dear niece (not so dear now) chose the movie; bad decision … don’t you EVER let a former airhead teenager made such an important decision … Guess what did she choose?
Yeap, I’m now severely traumatized … we watched ECLIPSE! The entire movie I was hoping that a strange hooded man popped behind me and ended with my suffering slitting my throat but you all can see that I’m writing about it so it didn’t happen.
VAMPIRES
When the word “VAMPIRE” comes to my mind an image of the most seductive, lethal and sexy creature immediately comes in (or should I say came?). For ages Vampires have starred the most dark and evil stories; those cold-hearted sexy creatures that can dominate us only by the look on their eyes and make us sex-slaves and if you’re not lucky enough just dead people. I must admit that I’ve always desired to become one (since I was a kid), is one of my biggest fantasies, being sexy and powerful is really seductive. I have seen so many kinds of Vampires, silly, sexy, evil, confused, loveable but never, EVER, like the Cullens.
There’s so many history and folklore revolving around Vampires, I find that so interesting, I could read and watch every story, documental or book about them and still feel like there can be more and more to understand and learn … well that was before I discover how a writer could massacre my most beloved fantasy.
MY IMAGE OF VAMPIRES
As I am a woman I am going to stick on the male image I have (giggles). Deep dark or light eyes (I really like the gray ones) long dark hair with a sexy body, beautiful face where you can see they’re up to no good but still are fascinated and curious about them and that sexy evil smile that comes from those I-want-to-kiss lips that hide their fangs … those amazing fangs that can take you to glory or hell. Elegant, good taste in clothing, pale skinned and the most important thing, mystery surround them, they’re a puzzle that you can never solve but still want to try.
I can’t count the times I have dreamt about having a romance with a Vampire, of course is not a hold my hand and small kisses romance … a Vampiric romance has to have some violence and forbidden stuff I am not going to tell here (coughs)
CULLENS
Now, this “Twilight – movement” has pictured Vampires as: Dorks, idiots, really common people. There’s nothing interesting about them just the fact that the Author tries to let us know that everybody is fascinated by them just because of their looks … what when it comes to the description of their looks there’s nothing that will make the stand. Let’s take Edward as an example (I am really sorry for the Pattison’s fans), Messy hair, golden eyes, pale skin, no elegance AT ALL, bad taste at clothing … seriously he dresses as a regular boy and what’s all that stupid thing about sparkly skin when they come out in the sun … I mean SERIOUSLY?!?! And the most pathetic thing is that this so-called-vampire is having a stupid “crush” on the most plain girl and they do nothing but hold hands and kiss … how is that possible when we all know that vampires are the most seductive creatures and they can do whatever they want with their prey (sexual prey too *snorts*) I still don’t understand what’s the fuss on the twilight saga; I find it degrading, emo-like and giving the youngsters the wrong idea about the meaning of love.
I think I am now doomed to be an old lady surrounded by cats with no fantasies at all … thank you so much Miss Meyer for ruining Vampires for me … I really don’t think I can come out now of this trauma … at least when I’m sober.
Again I’ll try to blog, I did have this one before but Word turned against me and just I finished my blogging a pop-up window told me Word was going to shut off because of a fatal error *glares at Word* so all my work was gone … so now here I am, cursing Word and trying … again *glares harder* to do it.
These past months I’ve been suffering with a horrible (and mean) pain on my back, it doesn’t let me sleep, eat, think properly, do my job (and update hehehe); it’s a killer pain! I have been going to the doctor (more than I would want to) to finally get what I want … but what do I want? Well, basically my breast it is too big and heavy for my body, that’s producing lots of pain on my back, neck and waist; also it causes other problems like me looking fatter that I really am and the almost impossible mission of finding the right clothes that suits me (not entering into the bra field cause that is impossible to find!). So here in Colombia we have a medical services provider (I think is like social security in some countries) that deducts an amount of our paychecks (if you don’t work you still have to pay for it or show that you have no way of paying it and they’ll cover it for you until you can) and gives you access to medical attention (it is supposed but sometimes not true), anyway, these medical providers give you drugs, medical attention, everything you need but they don’t do cosmetic surgery. My surgery is not catalogues cosmetic but as some people do reduce their breast because a cosmetic and esthetic issue I have to demonstrate that I am trying to get it done because it is really affecting my health.
So, in order to have my damn surgery done I am willing to jump into the “loss weight” wave that’s going on with the cool kids and set my goal; My weight is now 75Kls (but I do have a lot of weight on my breast that should be deducted…) my goal is to lose 10 kls in the fastest way I can. This means bye bye to delicious yummy fast yunky food like hot dogs, pizzas, hamburgers, milkshakes, chocolate, fried chicken, fat and all those food that smell so darn good but you know it ain’t healthy at all; also bye bye coffee, alcohol and hello veggies, fruits, oat meal, light cereal and my worst fear … EXCERSICE! Yes exercise, for years I have been avoiding it but I am now convinced that I will have to make my peace with it and try it, all for a good cause I will do aerobics, cardio and ABS …and then I will full fit my true desire: having the most beautiful boobs you can imagine ... oh yeah, also no more pain *winks* I have been against the skinny-is-good wave that has made some people go to through eating disorders to get a what fashion sells as cool and sexy; I love my curvy body, and I am sure men do like it too *giggles* but I can lose a few pounds without suffering of starving and staying in the healthy line.
From this day I’ll carefully watch (and measure) what I eat and I will firmly promise that I would do more physical activity (I really hated gym class at school so this is a nightmare for me), big sacrifices I will make to stay fit and have a rockin’ smokin’ hot body YAY!!! And no more pain … So any suggestion is welcome or if you do know a good diet please share!
I grew up being a normal girl, you know the one that dreams with the perfect guy and perfect life … I still don’t get it, I was born innocently until I was submit and introduced to fairy tales, novels and here in my country “Soap Operas”; So I was a Little girl who was bombarded with all those cheesy stories about “perfect love”. These cheesy stories have always the same plot, the poor girl (sometimes she can be sick, blind, on a wheelchair, deaf …) but no matter how miserable you think she is it’s not true, she’s happy and independent, contrary of what you may think due to her condition; anyway, this “poor little girl” meets a wealthy, young, really hot, man and they fall in love against everybody’s wishes (family, friends, people from the place they live) and of course there’s the “evil woman” (usually an aunt that wants the money or an exgirlfriend that also wants the fortune, or sometime both) that always try to tear them apart, and sometimes she succeeds but they will get back together at the end … also it is revealed that the poor girl is the real heiress of the fortune and that the hot, young, man was adopted because the girl was born ill or just because her father wanted a boy (yeah, no ultrasounds to cheek on the baby’s sex!). Anyway, at the end, after we suffer so much with all the things the girl and the hot man have been put through, she’s no longer sick and they get married … that’s always the ending: the big beautiful wedding.
Pretty much the same of all the stories, princesses and maids get married to the fantastic prince defeating the hag, witch, evil queen that doesn’t want them to be together… Again you must be thinking, so what? What’s the point of all that ramble? Well, I think we, women, have been brainwashed with all those stories to make us “live and dream to find love” and of course give us a twisted version of what love means (totally opposite to what men think). So for us woman, we dig and search for the one true love, from a very young age we have awful crush and always dream about being Mrs. XXXXX (the name of the boy or artist we fancy at that time) and we feel like the world is ending the moment we face rejection, breakups, artist getting married (sometimes it gets really bad and can transform a normal girl into an obsessed one that can commit any kind of stuff) but fortunately most of the time we patch up our heart together cause we always have hopes that the real true love will come and that our prince charming will arrive riding a beautiful horse (or motorcycle, car.. whatever, the point is to have a vehicle).
Those stories don’t teach us how to deal with true life, cause prince charming? He left the planet years ago and we’re stuck with normal men! They can be good sometimes, they can be bad but they’re normal, plain guys; nothing special, they fancy sports, hate shopping, think that most of the things we like them to do will make them look gay, like action movies (even though they secretly love romance ones), look at the girl that have nice boobs (legs, hair…) without implying that they don’t love us, burp, fart, scratch their balls (I hate that habit!), have trashy mouth and drool over a beer, put work above our needs and don’t understand our feelings at all!. Yes, you can find a man with all that or with some of that but you won’t find one that doesn’t have any of all the things I mentioned … and we will always be annoyed at things they do because in our minds we’re still wanting that prince that will take us to his castle and treats us like queens (meaning, no cleaning, cooking, ironing, doing dishes … no house chores!)
No matter how independent you are, successful woman, perfect mom, poor, rich, young, old, married, divorced, single ... we all want our prince charming (or in cases our hot mojo!), the one that will melt us with a kiss that will make us feel we’re dancing in the clouds. So I’m tired of waiting for my prince charming to come and I am pretty sure that I will have to settle down for a plain normal guy dreaming about changing him into my dreamy one and you know what … I blame Disney for that!!!!
Well, everybody blogs, is like the "New Black", so I decided to get into the "blog wave" unfortunately that led me to think that I had nothing good to blog about 'cause let's face it, who would want to read bad written nonsense coming from an itsy bitsy brain who's usually too busy to sit and write properly ... I can tell by the amount of stories I have started and then left without ending.
So, I sat down and told to myself: Self, you have to do this, this must but a challenge that you will accomplish! So, I convinced myself and we agreed on starting to blog, but then another obstacle came through, what the heck is going to be this blog about? I shrugged and shrugged and shrugged even more and decided that this blog should not have an specifically theme, if is going to be a blog by me I should let my usual self express whatever I feel like and stop thinking on follow a baseline (I know, Peter Jackson is glaring at me but I cannot help it, I can't be normal).
Too much nonsense and you're probably asking why am I reading this? Where is this taking me to? Am I going to have something to comment or conclude of all this? The answer is ... NO! Don't put on high expectation on this but I'm going to give you eye candy and this time I felt like blogging about what is my concept of how this story should be...
Lil' Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time there was a dear little girl who was loved by everyone who looked at her, but most of all by her grandmother, and there was nothing that she would not have given to the child. Once she gave her a little riding hood of red velvet, which suited her so well that she would never wear anything else; so she was always called 'Little Red Riding Hood.'
One day her mother said to her: 'Come, Little Red Riding Hood, here is a piece of cake and a bottle of wine; take them to your grandmother, she is ill and weak, and they will do her good. Set out before it gets hot, and when you are going, walk nicely and quietly and do not run off the path, or you may fall and break the bottle, and then your grandmother will get nothing; and when you go into her room, don't forget to say, "Good morning", and don't peep into every corner before you do it.'
'Chill down mum, is not like I can’t take care of a stupid cake and a cheap bottle of wine; I will take it to grams but I want to make clear that I am no UPS delivery guy so next time u wanna send something you’ll have to pay for it!” said Little Red Riding Hood to her mother, and gave her hand on it.
The grandmother, sick and tired of smog and contamination, lived out in the wood, half a league from the village, and just as Little Red Riding Hood entered the wood, a wolf met her. Red Riding Hood did not know what a wicked creature he was, and was not at all afraid of him.
'Good day, Little Red Riding Hood,' said he.
'Hey ya Dude, how’s it hangin’?
'Whither away so early, Little Red Riding Hood?'
‘Goin’ to grams to give her supplies so she can’t get drunk as usual'
'What have you got in your apron?'
'Dude are you deaf? Didn’t I said I was gonna gave her something to get drunk?So it must be alcohol!Seriously some people are just so dumb!'
'Where does your grandmother live, Little Red Riding Hood?'
'Like I’m gonna fall for that cheap trick, yeah let’s give you her address so you can go there and .. why would you want to go to an old woman’s house?Dudethat’s sick! ' replied Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf thought to himself: 'What a tender young creature! What a nice plump mouthful - she will be better to eat than the old woman. I must act craftily, so as to catch both.'
So he walked for a short time by the side of Little Red Riding Hood, and then he said: 'See, Little Red Riding Hood, how pretty the flowers are about here - why do you not look round? I believe, too, that you do not hear how sweetly the little birds are singing; you walk gravely along as if you were going to school, while everything else out here in the wood is merry.'
Little Red Riding Hood raised her eyes, and when she saw the sunbeams dancing here and there through the trees, and pretty flowers growing everywhere, she thought: 'This is so lame, stupid flowers… wait, the signal is really good here, I’m going to text my friends using my BlackBerry, I have to tell ‘em how hot the wolf is, bet Cinderella would fall from him in a minute. Ain’t got no hurry to get to grams.'
So she ran from the path into the wood to use her BlackBerry. And whenever she texted a friend, she fancied that the signal was better farther on, and ran after it, and so got deeper and deeper into the wood.
Meanwhile the wolf ran straight to the grandmother's house and knocked at the door.
'Who is there? IRS?I paid all the taxes leave me alone you stupid morons!'
'Little Red Riding Hood,' replied the wolf. 'She is bringing cake and wine; open the door.'
'Your voice sounds deeper but doesn’t matter, I'm a bit deaf these days, lift the latch,' called out the grandmother, 'I am too weak, and cannot get up.'
The wolf lifted the latch, the door sprang open, and without saying a word he went straight to the grandmother's bed, and devoured her. Then he put on her clothes, dressed himself in her cap, laid himself in bed and drew the curtains.
Little Red Riding Hood, however, had been too busy with her BlackBerry, and didn’t notice time ran by, she remembered her grandmother, and set out on the way to her.
She was surprised to find the cottage-door standing open, and when she went into the room, she had such a strange feeling that she said to herself:
'Prolly Grams isn’t even here and I’m missing a concert to come here to bring lame wine and cake.I’ma going to frown and be bitter an entire month so mum wouldn’t dare to ask me for stupid favor next time.' She called out: 'Wassup Grams?' but received no answer; so she went to the bed and drew back the curtains. There lay her grandmother with her cap pulled far over her face, and looking very strange.
'Dude you look awful!' she said, your ears are bigga’!'
'All the better to hear you with, my child,' was the reply.
'If you say so … ugh your eyes are bigga too!' she said.
'All the better to see you with, my dear.'
'Ehm okay … your hands are enormous too!'
'All the better to hug you with.'
'This is getting real odd, I mean no offense grams but I’m starting to feel uncomfortable here also you have an awful breath, where you smokin’ again? Dude haven’t you heard of mints?I ain’t kissin’ ya, your mouth is disgustin’!!'
'All the better to eat you with!'
And scarcely had the wolf said this, than with one bound he was out of bed and swallowed up Red Riding Hood. When the wolf had appeased his appetite, he lay down again in the bed, fell asleep and began to snore very loud.
The huntsman was just passing the house, and thought to himself: 'How the old woman is snoring! I must just see if she is going to pay me today' So he went into the room, and when he came to the bed, he saw that the wolf was lying in it.
'I knew I would find you here, do you think I am stupid? Nobody owes me money and tells the story' said he. 'I have long sought you!' But just as he was going to fire at him, it occurred to him that the wolf might have devoured the grandmother, and that she might still be saved, so he did not fire, but took a pair of scissors, and began to cut open the stomach of the sleeping wolf.
When he had made two snips, he saw the little red riding hood shining, and then he made two snips more, and the little girl sprang out, crying: What took you so long?It’s too damn dark and hot inside the lame wolf … also my hair is a mess and my designer clothes and hood are all damage you know.'
After that the aged grandmother came out alive also, but scarcely able to breathe. Red Riding Hood, however, quickly fetched great stones with which they filled the wolf's belly, and when he awoke, he wanted to run away, but the stones were so heavy that he collapsed at once, and fell dead.
Then all three were delighted. The huntsman drew off the wolf's skin and went home with it; the grandmother ate the cake and got really drunk with the wine which Red Riding Hood had brought, and revived. But Red Riding Hood thought to herself: 'I need to get my hair done and my mother is going to pay for it … darn, I left my BlackBerry inside the wolf that’s gonna cost you mom!'
It is also related that Red Riding Hood never visited her Grandmother again and went to live by herself in a small flat she rented in the Big City, she’s living with her boyfriend who she calls … Wolf.
The End.
Hope you enjoyed my version if not ... well I told you not to have high expectations on this.
