Saturday, April 24, 2010

Everybody blogs these days ...

Well, everybody blogs, is like the "New Black", so I decided to get into the "blog wave" unfortunately that led me to think that I had nothing good to blog about 'cause let's face it, who would want to read bad written nonsense coming from an itsy bitsy brain who's usually too busy to sit and write properly ... I can tell by the amount of stories I have started and then left without ending.

So, I sat down and told to myself: Self, you have to do this, this must but a challenge that you will accomplish! So, I convinced myself and we agreed on starting to blog, but then another obstacle came through, what the heck is going to be this blog about? I shrugged and shrugged and shrugged even more and decided that this blog should not have an specifically theme, if is going to be a blog by me I should let my usual self express whatever I feel like and stop thinking on follow a baseline (I know, Peter Jackson is glaring at me but I cannot help it, I can't be normal).

Too much nonsense and you're probably asking why am I reading this? Where is this taking me to? Am I going to have something to comment or conclude of all this? The answer is ... NO! Don't put on high expectation on this but I'm going to give you eye candy and this time I felt like blogging about what is my concept of how this story should be...

Lil' Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time there was a dear little girl who was loved by everyone who looked at her, but most of all by her grandmother, and there was nothing that she would not have given to the child. Once she gave her a little riding hood of red velvet, which suited her so well that she would never wear anything else; so she was always called 'Little Red Riding Hood.'

One day her mother said to her: 'Come, Little Red Riding Hood, here is a piece of cake and a bottle of wine; take them to your grandmother, she is ill and weak, and they will do her good. Set out before it gets hot, and when you are going, walk nicely and quietly and do not run off the path, or you may fall and break the bottle, and then your grandmother will get nothing; and when you go into her room, don't forget to say, "Good morning", and don't peep into every corner before you do it.'

'Chill down mum, is not like I can’t take care of a stupid cake and a cheap bottle of wine; I will take it to grams but I want to make clear that I am no UPS delivery guy so next time u wanna send something you’ll have to pay for it!” said Little Red Riding Hood to her mother, and gave her hand on it.

The grandmother, sick and tired of smog and contamination, lived out in the wood, half a league from the village, and just as Little Red Riding Hood entered the wood, a wolf met her. Red Riding Hood did not know what a wicked creature he was, and was not at all afraid of him.

'Good day, Little Red Riding Hood,' said he.

'Hey ya Dude, how’s it hangin’?

'Whither away so early, Little Red Riding Hood?'

‘Goin’ to grams to give her supplies so she can’t get drunk as usual'

'What have you got in your apron?'

'Dude are you deaf? Didn’t I said I was gonna gave her something to get drunk? So it must be alcohol! Seriously some people are just so dumb!'

'Where does your grandmother live, Little Red Riding Hood?'

'Like I’m gonna fall for that cheap trick, yeah let’s give you her address so you can go there and .. why would you want to go to an old woman’s house? Dude that’s sick! ' replied Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf thought to himself: 'What a tender young creature! What a nice plump mouthful - she will be better to eat than the old woman. I must act craftily, so as to catch both.'

So he walked for a short time by the side of Little Red Riding Hood, and then he said: 'See, Little Red Riding Hood, how pretty the flowers are about here - why do you not look round? I believe, too, that you do not hear how sweetly the little birds are singing; you walk gravely along as if you were going to school, while everything else out here in the wood is merry.'

Little Red Riding Hood raised her eyes, and when she saw the sunbeams dancing here and there through the trees, and pretty flowers growing everywhere, she thought: 'This is so lame, stupid flowers… wait, the signal is really good here, I’m going to text my friends using my BlackBerry, I have to tell ‘em how hot the wolf is, bet Cinderella would fall from him in a minute. Ain’t got no hurry to get to grams.'

So she ran from the path into the wood to use her BlackBerry. And whenever she texted a friend, she fancied that the signal was better farther on, and ran after it, and so got deeper and deeper into the wood.

Meanwhile the wolf ran straight to the grandmother's house and knocked at the door.

'Who is there? IRS? I paid all the taxes leave me alone you stupid morons!'

'Little Red Riding Hood,' replied the wolf. 'She is bringing cake and wine; open the door.'

'Your voice sounds deeper but doesn’t matter, I'm a bit deaf these days, lift the latch,' called out the grandmother, 'I am too weak, and cannot get up.'

The wolf lifted the latch, the door sprang open, and without saying a word he went straight to the grandmother's bed, and devoured her. Then he put on her clothes, dressed himself in her cap, laid himself in bed and drew the curtains.

Little Red Riding Hood, however, had been too busy with her BlackBerry, and didn’t notice time ran by, she remembered her grandmother, and set out on the way to her.

She was surprised to find the cottage-door standing open, and when she went into the room, she had such a strange feeling that she said to herself:

'Prolly Grams isn’t even here and I’m missing a concert to come here to bring lame wine and cake. I’ma going to frown and be bitter an entire month so mum wouldn’t dare to ask me for stupid favor next time.' She called out: 'Wassup Grams?' but received no answer; so she went to the bed and drew back the curtains. There lay her grandmother with her cap pulled far over her face, and looking very strange.

'Dude you look awful!' she said, your ears are bigga’!'

'All the better to hear you with, my child,' was the reply.

'If you say so … ugh your eyes are bigga too!' she said.

'All the better to see you with, my dear.'

'Ehm okay … your hands are enormous too!'

'All the better to hug you with.'

'This is getting real odd, I mean no offense grams but I’m starting to feel uncomfortable here also you have an awful breath, where you smokin’ again? Dude haven’t you heard of mints? I ain’t kissin’ ya, your mouth is disgustin’!!'

'All the better to eat you with!'

And scarcely had the wolf said this, than with one bound he was out of bed and swallowed up Red Riding Hood. When the wolf had appeased his appetite, he lay down again in the bed, fell asleep and began to snore very loud.

The huntsman was just passing the house, and thought to himself: 'How the old woman is snoring! I must just see if she is going to pay me today' So he went into the room, and when he came to the bed, he saw that the wolf was lying in it.

'I knew I would find you here, do you think I am stupid? Nobody owes me money and tells the story' said he. 'I have long sought you!' But just as he was going to fire at him, it occurred to him that the wolf might have devoured the grandmother, and that she might still be saved, so he did not fire, but took a pair of scissors, and began to cut open the stomach of the sleeping wolf.

When he had made two snips, he saw the little red riding hood shining, and then he made two snips more, and the little girl sprang out, crying: What took you so long? It’s too damn dark and hot inside the lame wolf … also my hair is a mess and my designer clothes and hood are all damage you know.'

After that the aged grandmother came out alive also, but scarcely able to breathe. Red Riding Hood, however, quickly fetched great stones with which they filled the wolf's belly, and when he awoke, he wanted to run away, but the stones were so heavy that he collapsed at once, and fell dead.

Then all three were delighted. The huntsman drew off the wolf's skin and went home with it; the grandmother ate the cake and got really drunk with the wine which Red Riding Hood had brought, and revived. But Red Riding Hood thought to herself: 'I need to get my hair done and my mother is going to pay for it … darn, I left my BlackBerry inside the wolf that’s gonna cost you mom!'

It is also related that Red Riding Hood never visited her Grandmother again and went to live by herself in a small flat she rented in the Big City, she’s living with her boyfriend who she calls … Wolf.

The End.

Hope you enjoyed my version if not ... well I told you not to have high expectations on this.